


Crab Avengers

by SucculentHyena



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: CRAB AU, Crab-on-Crab Violence, Crack, Gen, everyone is a crustacean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22356994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SucculentHyena/pseuds/SucculentHyena
Summary: What if the Avengers... were all crabs.That's it.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 18





	Crab Avengers

**Author's Note:**

> I was having some writer's block, so I decided to make something dumb to get the creativity flowing. This is by far the dumbest thing I've ever written, and I had a blast doing it.
> 
> Anyway, read for some fun crab facts and to see everyone's crabsonas.

Steve scuttled into the common room, Bucky following behind him. They’d just been to the gym training, and they’d need a post-workout meal. He grabbed a container of algea and detritus for himself, and a juvenile crab for Bucky, who had a more predatory appetite.

They scuttled to the table and took a seat. Steve picked through the detritus with his soft maxillopeds, musing on how much food there was in the future. It used to be that Bucky had to go to the entrance of their Brooklyn apartment and hunt passerby for the both of them, snatching smaller crabs off the street.

Steve had been nothing more than a [Pea Crab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pea_crab), barely 3.2 mm wide and too weak to enter a mollusk and parasitically feed on it. Bucky had been his only source of food, his [Mantis Shrimp](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mantis_shrimp) friend who’d use his second pair of thoracic appendages to club his prey to death.

Then the Crab War had drafted Bucky, and he was left feeding on scraps in the sediments, barely avoiding predators. If it hadn’t been for Dr. Erskine, who’d performed his groundbreaking procedure to turn Steve in an enhanced [Blue Crab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callinectes_sapidus), he’d probably be dead. The procedure had overheated his legs, causing the alpha-crustacyanin to break down and leaving them a bright red in colour- a stark contrast to his blue body shell.

He was pulled from his musing by the sharp crack of Bucky’s cybernetic appendage bludgeoning the juvenile crab into smaller, more easily consumed pieces.

Steve moved his eyestalks to the elevator doors as they opened, watching Sam fly in using his flattened fifth pair of legs to glide through the water at fast speeds- fast enough to grab Bucky’s meal from him.

“Hey!” Bucky called, raising his secondary appendages in annoyance. “Get your own goddamn food, this ain’t a buffet!”

“Nah” Sam said in amusement, tearing a large portion of the dead crab off and eating it. As a [Flying Crab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liocarcinus_holsatus), he was a fast and aggressive predator, and though Bucky could crack his carapace like it was nothing, he’d have a tough time catching the guy first.

Coming in behind Sam was Clint and Tony. Tony scuttle in with his mechanized shell, the little [Strawberry Hermit Crab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coenobita_perlatus) having lost it some time ago and building his new one with the scraps in a cave, then improving it when he’d gotten back to civilization, using his billions to make the more advanced version he now wore- which also acted as an air-tank, because he was a terrestrial crab and would drown here under the water otherwise.

Clint was a [Crayfish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crayfish).

The two of them came in more slowly, talking amongst themselves about some new design for Clint’s arrows. Steve tuned them out, watching in amusement as Bucky debated fighting Sam or getting another juvenile.

“What’s on the menu today, boys?” Natasha’s voice asked, making both Steve and Bucky jump. Bucky cursed in Russian, and Natasha laughed, shifting her colour so she wasn’t camouflaged with the table. She was barely bigger than the crab Bucky had been eating.

As the smallest shrimp on the team, Natasha was often at risk of being eaten, but she was willy and hard to catch. This was indicative of her own personal skills rather than a general feature of her species of [Crangon Crangon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crangon_crangon), which were only known for hiding in the sand of shallow waters. Her stealth would not be described as a factually correct characteristic of her genus.

The elevator dinged again, noting the arrival of their sometimes largest member, Thor. The [Coconut Crab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconut_crab) scuttled his 1 metre width in. He hailed from Asgard, and though normally a terrestrial crab like him would drown, his Asgard blood allowed him the All-breath, and he could stay submerged as long as he liked. This was not something earth-native Coconut Crabs could do.

He was laughing at something Bruce was presumably saying, though Steve couldn’t hear the [Krill](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krill)’s tiny voice from here. Poor Bruce had to live in the tower, not only for his own safety, but for everyone else’s. He couldn’t go out on his diel vertical migration- moving down to the ocean’s mesopelagic zone in the day, and the epipelagic zone at night- because he’d risk getting eaten, and then the Hulk would emerge.

Thor was the only one who could even match the Hulk’s power, and just barely. His 9lbs mass might be heavier than most other crabs, but it didn’t compare to the Hulk’s 44lbs.

Whatever they were saying was cut off, however, when the call to assemble came it. Steve dropped his food, springing to his many legs. The others followed suite, each going their separate ways to suite up.

* * *

They took the quinjet out, Natasha and Clint piloting while the rest of them huddled in the back. The call was to Minnesota, where Baron Zemo was attacking a research facility with his army of robotic [Horseshoe Crabs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horseshoe_crab), which were- despite the name- not crabs. Horseshoe Crabs were arthropods of the Limulidae family, distinct from crustaceans.

They arrived, touching down and fanned out, following the plan Steve had laid out on the journey.

Bruce transformed, turning into a larger-than-average [Atlantic Lobster](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_lobster), with a unique green colouration from his mutation that was not seen in other lobsters, which only typically had a mild greenish tint in their legs only.

He and Thor scuttled into the mass of robotic arthropods, using their 100psi claw strength and godly hammer, respectively, to crush their carapaces.

Sam flew out and laid cover fire with his guns, one in each claw, while Tony flew and fired repulsor blasts from his claws. Clint climbed atop the jet to fire his arrows.

Natasha scuttled off to disappear into the environment, her mission to locate the controls and shut off the legion of robots.

It left Steve and Bucky to wade into the mass towards Zemo to keep him distracted. Zemo was a [Japanese Spider Crab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_spider_crab), and he was unusually mean for such a gentle of disposition species of crab.

Zemo was a large crab, nearly 5 metres from claw-to-claw. His size was mostly due to his very long legs, but he was still the second-largest crustacean species.

“Zemo! Stop this, we don’t need to fight!” Steve yelled as he crushed through the carapace of one of the robots. Beside him, Bucky was cracking them open like they were mollusks, the strength of his robotic appendage far stronger than their weak alloy.

“It is you who should stop!” Zemo yelled back. “What I am doing here will revolutionize the world!”

Zemo was ramping up for a monologue, which was perfect. As long as he stayed focused away from the control panel behind him, Natasha could get to the buttons and initiate the shut-off. Steve stayed quiet as he let Zemo talk, crushing more robots to cover Bucky’s tail.

“Inside this facility is a device of insurmountable power,” Zemo started to explain, “and when combined with our superior DNA, will send a signal to the world. It will alter the DNA of all crustaceans to that of crabs! Imagine it, Captain. Global [carcinisation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carcinisation)! No more shrimp, no more prawn, or lobsters, or barnacles- only crabs! We are the superior crustacean! Join me, and we can purify our world, make it something perfect, something-”

His monologue was cut-off as Hulk brought a claw down and crushed his face in, sending a cloud of soft brain matter squirting into the water.

Hulk excreted two long plumes of urine from the bladders in his head, communicating through scent. From the smell of it, he’d said “Puny crab”.

As Zemo collapsed, the robot crabs fell too, followed by Natasha saying “Got ‘em” over the comms just as she de-camouflaged from atop the control panel.

Steve turned to see the devastation of robots. The isolated facility remained intact, and thankfully there were no civilians present to be harmed.

Steve turned his eyestalks back to Zemo, who slowly floated down as Hulk released him, his legs collapsing under him. Steve rubbed his maxillopeds together, eyeing the tender meat the was peeking out of Zemo’s shell.

“Good work everyone” he said over comms, scuttling to Zemo’s body. Bucky followed close behind, and he absently noted the others were approaching too.

“Hey, big guy,” Tony called as he landed his shell, “think you can smash a little more?”

Tony had barely got the question out when Hulk crushed open Zemo’s body, sending his soft innards floating into the water. Steve quickly snapped a pieces the floated near and brought it to his mouth.

Bucky went to one of Zemo’s claws and cracked it open on his own, helping himself to the good meat inside. From the corner of his eye, Steve spotted Natasha snatching a large chunk of flesh and crawling away to eat it at a safe distance- away from the rest of them that might snag her in the building frenzy.

They all dug into Zemo’s carcass, enjoying the well-earned feast.

Another job well-done.

**Author's Note:**

> My crabsona would be a [Sand Bubbler Crab](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sand_bubbler_crab).


End file.
